I've Been Wrong

I have been so wrong. And I will just say I don't care if anyone thinks I'm wrong with what I write here. I need to get this out. Are you ready?.....

After reading someone's post on the WTM (and praying) I realize how stupid I've been.

Yesterday I got so mad because Katie wouldn't listen and do what I wanted her to do. I yelled at her, alot. I got mad at Ed because he didn't agree with me on some things about her. I got mad.

All through the summer I was so excited for school to start and I got everything ready including gettting the "room" ready. And then, "Wham"! Katie wouldn't listen. (yes, it's only been 3 days) I got very miserable. Yes, she is on meds. which we have to get the right dosage and timing but the problem....Me. Yep. I have been thinking (yes, it's about 1 a.m.), I have been trying to do to much, on my own, and I have overloaded everything. I decorated the room, and the worst part I started thinking to much like "school". Everyone (including myself) says, if she doesn't do it send her to school. What would she do if she was in school (that's me sometimes also), she needs a special school. Nonsense. She needs to be with me. She has issues beyond our control and her control. For goodness sake, she is only 7 years old. She is beautiful. She can read, she can write, she knows math (probably better than 8 or 9 maybe some 10 year olds), she plays soccer wonderfully, she's happy, she loves church, she loves the bible, she loves her Sunday school teachers, etc. What the heck have I been thinking??

I came down about 1/2 hour ago, after much thinking, and took down all the Picturing American Posters. Yes I did. I believe it is to much stimulation. For her and for me. To much stress. It's to much like a school. I may even take down the timeline we were going to do on the wall. Each child does have one in a binder.

I'm going to get back to the way I did things. We will sit anywhere we want to, to do our reading even writing. The kids will play before we start the day. "I" will take a walk outside or on the treadmill. And most of all we will pray together.

I have gotten to school oriented and forgotten about all the fun we can have. I need to stop caring about what others think about how "We", Ed and I, want to teach or how to teach our kids. I've gotten to afraid of what needs to go into the portfolios and what people think. Who cares.

I have been stressed and it is my fault. Well, mostly. There were some things a few months ago that really stressed me out. but, I let every little thing bother me. I am usually happy and smiling enjoying my family. I love the Lord and I feel like I'm missing him.

I need to read the Bible more. I have signed myself up for 2 bible studies. One is at the same time the kids will be in a class. I need to be involved with a bible class and be around some other adults...not just on Sunday and not just sitting around watching them play somewhere.
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Do you know what? Bedtimes have not been easy. K & A share a "very" small room and when it is time for bed they fight. It is not fun. This is just about every night. (We are in the process of changing there rooms so they are separated) Anyway, After the day was done and I was putting Katie to bed (without Ana in the room), She sat with me and I read to her....books about math. ~LOL~ I read a post on the WTM about the living math so I had gone to the library and took out some books. She likes them alot. She asked me to read them again. They were about fractions and money. We were calm and enjoyed each other's company. ~priceless~
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Well, this post is my honest thoughts and I am so glad I wrote them out here.

Good night
~Margarete~